As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
