She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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