my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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