it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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