Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
