well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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