This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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