I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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