I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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