i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
