I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
