Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
