Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
