I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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