I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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