I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You dont lie about slip and slides
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
