I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Randomize
