My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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