we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
