Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
