So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
