I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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