I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
