Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
