You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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