Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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