he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
