i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
