I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
