dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I skipped work to stalk him.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
