Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
