I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
