my vag is so smooth its legendary
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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