what day is it and did you see me today?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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