please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
