two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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