My room smells like vodka and shame
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
