I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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