State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
