Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
