omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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