I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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