the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
