I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
