my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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