Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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