a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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