I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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