I met the friendliest cop last night
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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