well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
