I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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