I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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