I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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